Craving Permission
As new-ish believer I am still cultivating what my daily devotion time with the Lord looks like. In the past few months I have incorporated reading a chapter in Proverbs. Today is the 14th, so I read chapter 14. I started doing that because I desire wisdom & discernment so what better place to go then the book written by the wisest man on earth, King Solomon. Yesterday as I was reading Proverbs, I noticed that near the beginning it talks about cravings and it ends with the idea of contentment vs hunger. So I asked myself...
What am I craving in this season?
When I tell you that one question opened up the floodgates of my mind & it came spilling out on to the pages of journal. I started off writing I am "craving the Lord. Deeper intimacy, more knowledge, more fatherly love, more trust." And then a crazy thing happened I thought to myself (this phrase is italicized as I have noticed in the Bible to evaluate the origin of my thoughts as it may be the Lord but anyway I digress) "permission." As soon as I wrote the word tears welled up in my eyes. I have never, not once, thought about needing permission. The other things were louder in my head, flashier even. But permission? Permission? Yes, permission. I was now crying softly as I continued to let my pen flush out my thoughts & emotions.
I felt silly because I know I have permission AND (because two things can be true) somewhere deep inside God was revealing that I am longing & craving permission. Permission for what I thought? So I listed whatever came to mind, acknowledging it without judgment. Permission to prosper. What did that mean? To live a life not filled with the trauma & drama cycle I was raised in and to be successful. Ok what else?
Permission to be authentically me. I am multi-faceted. I grew up in Spanish Harlem in the 80s/90s so I have a hood side. I moved to Seattle, WA in 1994 and became a theater kid and lover of the arts. I remember a family member calling us one day & he said "you sound like a valley girl." That stuck with me. In NYC it was obvious I was a Latina but over here in Seattle they thought I was black and white. My whole life I have never black enough, never white enough, never Spanish enough. I often felt like an odd ball. So when that family member said that it confirmed my narrative. So yes permission to be my quirky, odd self. Ok good, what else?
Well wait I need permission to be me not only in the world but now in the church! I am a new-ish believer & I don't know the church etiquette or language or operating system. I will take it a step further, I have discovered with my new found love of God's word this fire to talk about it, share it & teach it. But how can a new believer teach? That doesn't make sense. Well I finally had to throw my hands up because I have been given the spiritual gift of teaching and its just so apparent to me now so I finally just had to say God's ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than mine. Ok permission to teach what else girl?
Permission to stumble and fall. WAIT WHAT? Yes, I need that! Trying to be perfect is exhausting. I am going to make mistakes. I am not talking about intentionally sinning but trying to be perfect was holding me back from some things God was asking me to do including this darn blog. And while I have been able to jump over some hurdles, perfectionism continues to make these other hurdles look out of my jumping capability. Anything else?
Then permission to take up space popped into my mind. In the moment, I told myself but the shear fact He woke me up this morning means He has given me permission to take up oxygen. Yet sometimes if I am honest I still need to hear it, to feel it.
Ok so my brain was thinking is this a relation nutrient? So I googled Dr Townsend's Relational Nutrients chart (I found out about it from my online mentor Tim Ross & his podcast Wide Open) and it wasn't a nutrient. Eek. So I googled seeking God's permission and something interesting popped up..God's permission is in HIs word. If I could have thumped myself on the forehead I would have. Yes God's word tells me His promises, my identity, & my rights as a daughter.
I decided to list all the areas I felt I needed permission in and then find scripture where God has already given me permission in that area and have them side by side. To my amazement, God had already given me permission to every single thing I wrote down & most of it was in Genesis, the book of beginnings.
"God created humankind in His image, in the image of God He created him, male and female He created them. God blessed them and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, fill the land, and conquer it." -Genesis 1:27-28
What God revealed to me in that moment is that a covenant takes two parties. God cut a covenant with us AND we have to receive it. Some things are conditional, IF you do this THEN I will do this, but not in the beginning of beginnings.
Permission to prosper..."be fruitful and multiply." It can't be anymore clear!
Permission to be authentic..."in the image of God He created them." There is NO THING more multi-faceted than God & he doesn't hide that from us. He is the I AM WHO I AM and He made me so that is permission to my fearfully & wonderfully made self.
Permission to teach His word? I needed something more concrete in the Old Testament...
"These words, which I am commanding you today, are to be on your heart. You are to teach them diligently to your children, and speak of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down and when you rise up."
-Deuteronomy 6:6-7
And of course in the New Testament...
"Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, immersing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Ruach ha-Kodesh, teaching them to observe all I have commanded you." -Matthew 28:19-20
And 1 Corinthians 12:7 and Colossians 3:23-24 AND the fact that this burning in my heart was not here before being saved & receiving the Holy Spirit. So who else's approval do I need besides the God of the universe?! Uh no one.
Permission to take up space...again Genesis 1:28 and Genesis 1:31...
"So God saw everything that He made, and behold it was very good."
If everything God made was good and then I am good. Which also helps me with my permission to be imperfect. I am good not perfect. God knows Jesus was & is & will be the only perfect man on this side of heaven so what's the problem lady?! Relax breathe & take a step towards Him. I receive ALL that you have given me. I am storing it in my heart. On the days when this craving for permission creeps back up and out, I can speak the word of God to that craving because it never comes back void & ALWAYS accomplishes what it was sent out to do!
